Abuser, who is? Psychological portrait and behavioral aspects. 15 signs of homelessness How to end a toxic relationship?
An abuser is a person who skillfully uses psychological, but not only, techniques to suppress a partner, take control over him and simultaneously impose guilt and various complexities on him. Anyone can become a tyrant: a close relative, a boss, a friend, a neighbor. But if in some cases, it is relatively easy to break the oppressive bonds, abuse in the couple’s relationship is much more difficult to control. And first of all, because it cannot be recognized at once. The moral “beast” can hide for a long time under cover of care until you find yourself in its clutches.
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What kind of person is an abuser?
Since the word “abuse” itself is translated as “abuse,” “mistreatment,” and “violence,” the abuser is, in simple terms, a rapist. But not the one waiting for his victim with a knife in the alley, but the one who constantly, day after day, psychologically pressures his partner, tries to break his will, destroy his self-esteem, and trample on his individuality.
Meanwhile, our anti-hero reacts with great art. His favorite tools of oppression – criticism, jealousy, accusations, violence, threats, and even outright physical violence – he stays in the moment because otherwise, the abuser’s victim will realize too early where the wind is blowing and jump off the hook. No, at first, everything is presented as the most tender love and care!
An emotional or psychological abuser manifests in every possible way a desire to be close, to help, to take on the solution of complex problems, and generally looks like a perfect dream. However, over time, the abuser’s behavior begins to change. Now the request to see friends less often to have more time for each other develops into a complete ban on communication; sweet teasing about the appearance or characteristics of a partner turns into sarcasm. Alarm calls “Where are you? I’m worried!” entail total control, as the unfortunate “half-wit” dares not poke his nose out of the house without permission.
As a rule, at this time, life with the abuser manages to cut the victim so much that she sees nothing unhealthy in what is happening. Against! It doesn’t occur to her how it is possible to make demands on a man who can tolerate such a stupid, ugly, worthless creature next to him and even care about him, tell him what to do!
Attention! The most common victims of emotional abusers are people who grew up in families with authoritarian parents. Once in a situation with a familiar scenario, they quickly succumb to it, perceive the tyrant as an extension of parental authority, and do not really understand what the abuser means to them, but stubbornly continue unhealthy relationships.
By the way, problems in the family are characteristic not only of the victim but also of the rapist himself, since they become a rapist, not from birth. Yes, some prerequisites for such behavior – selfishness, carelessness, hereditary mental disorders – may be inherent in a person from the beginning, but the atmosphere in which the child grows up is much more critical. Over-demanding parents, physical or sexual abuse at a young age, and neglect by people who matter greatly to the child play a much more significant role.
The psychological portrait of an abuser very often includes:
- One’s complexes that one tries to suppress, humiliate and break others;
- The confidence that everyone around him owes him something;
- Refusing to admit her guilt, the abuser always finds someone to move her on;
- Resentment with or without reason, with the obligatory expectation of the first step towards reconciliation from the partner;
- Lack of mood.
One of the most vivid touches on the portrait of the abuser is a sudden attack of anger, which is just as quickly replaced by confidence as negative emotions spill out.
Attention! Although women are emotional abusers, especially regarding children, pensioners, or employees, most relationship abusers are men. Dry statistics call the figure 90%, and even if you question her data since not every victim of abuse comes forward, the bias appears significant.
Why is abuse dangerous? Numerous observations have proven that existence under constant psychological pressure inevitably leads to the decline of personality. A woman who lives with a male abuser loses confidence, loses her will, and stops striving anywhere. Her self-esteem crumbles into dust, and a persistent conviction settles in her soul that all the nagging, humiliation, and beatings are thoroughly deserved. It is simply impossible to rely on anything else. Of course, you don’t have to expect anything good from such a relationship.
15 main signs of an abuser
As mentioned, the main danger of an emotional rapist lies in his ability to act slowly and carefully, first rubbing into the victim’s self-confidence and only after a specific time starting to train her. At times he behaves so skillfully that it is difficult to detect the signs of a male abuser in a relationship that seems ideal, even to a neutral observer, not to mention a woman in love. However, it would help if you did this, and the sooner, the more likely you are to leave the scene of this hopeless battle with average self-esteem and lively nerves. So how do you recognize an abuser?
Derogatory nicknames
Sugar-affectionate “Hippo,” “My Pyshechka,” and “Dear Hobbit,” which a person constantly inserts into his speech, even though you have made it clear that it is unpleasant for you, is one of the favorite ways of an emotional rapist.
The abuser knows that if you immediately tell a girl: “You are fat” or “You have short legs,” she will get angry. But suppose you constantly point out real or imaginary flaws one day. In that case, a friend herself will believe in an inferiority complex, and the first severe damage will be to her self-esteem.
Attention! As a rule, the psychological abuser disguises his insults as a joke and “turns the arrows” on the victim: “You don’t have a sense of humor, you understand that I love it?
Critical comments
There is no better way to convince a person that they are a loser than constant criticism, so regular comments and nagging are one of the main signs of an abuser in a relationship. Here, everything moves in the way that characterizes an emotional rapist, slowly and relentlessly – from the soft reproachful remarks, “Zaya, well, you always let go of everything (forget it, overdo it) and why do I love you a little?” to “Stupid creature, how much can be driven into your oak head, what is it doing wrong?!”
At the same time, it is simply impossible to please the critic. If you tell the abuser that they bought a sweater you knitted for a decent amount, he will note the goods: “People have strange tastes.” Suppose you meet him with a sophisticated apartment and a hot five-course dinner. In that case, he will scold you for a salt shower that is not perfectly placed in the center of the table.
Mocking interests
It doesn’t matter what the young lady does in her spare time; they will still explain that she is suffering from nonsense. The victim can make soap, crochet, cut diamonds, rescue abandoned animals, volunteer at an orphanage, or find a cure for cancer – all this will be mercilessly ridiculed and will evaluate the results of the operation since one of the main tasks of the abuser is to deprive the victim of the desire to do something -or, apart from him, a loved one. And only when she admits that she has wasted her life in meaningless activities and abandons them will the rapist be satisfied.
Gaslighting
Behind this fancy foreign word, the clearest sign of an abuser is a disgusting psychological manipulation that makes the victim question their satisfaction. Whatever demands are made on the emotional abuser, he dismisses them with such a blunt air that the victim becomes lost and begins to doubt himself.
The abuser’s favorite argument: “Did I offend you yesterday? Stop inventing! “I didn’t say that for sure; why are you lying? “You react too emotionally to nonsense. Stop cheating on yourself!”
Cultivating helplessness
The method is widely used by overbearing parents who do not want to let their children off the leash and male abusers in relationships with women. The victim is repeated at every opportunity that she will not cope, will not understand, will not be able to, imposed on her the role of a weak and stupid child with an all-powerful parent.
Sentences characterize this method:
- “Give me better; it’s, all the same, to make up after yourself”;
- “Listen to what I’m telling you, or you’ll go back to the puddle!”;
- “You can figure it out with your chicken brain; leave it to me.”
The result is complete self-esteem and complete helplessness. Sometimes the victim can’t decide what to wear before going out without being prompted.
Devaluation of experience
You cannot expect sympathy from the abuser. Suppose, at first, he still shows support and understanding as the relationship develops. In that case, the victim, in a difficult period for himself, can rely only on a contemptuous smile and the question: “And you call that a problem?”
Whatever troubles a friend gets into, they will indeed explain to her that children are starving in Africa, there are disabled people in the world, and the abuser himself is now facing difficulties that she, with her bleak outlook on life, never dreamed of, so there is nothing to whine.
Monopoly of finance
It is believed that this pressure is especially actively used by psychological abusers-men since the “rape victim” is usually the primary earner. At the same time, a woman is satisfied with the role of a housewife or performs low-wage jobs. work, devoting time not to her career but to serving her spouse. …
However, practice shows that, in reality, the abuser does not care who brings the primary income to the family. Even if the spouse earns two or three times more, the money is taken with a light heart into the “general budget,” from which she is given small crumbs for housekeeping almost upon receipt.
Argument:
- “You make everything go back to crap”;
- “How can I trust you with money?”;
- “Yes, I spent xxx rubles on this. Should I have asked you for permission?!”
Ignore
But rumors about the famous silence game as a method of working with a partner are attributed to women. However, they are no less common among the characteristics of a male abuser. Ignoring is when the victim is already stuck in a relationship and, despite humiliation or criticism, feels a painful attachment to the partner.
Then, the tyrant began to punish her with silence for all transgressions, persistently ignoring and sometimes completely disappearing in an unknown direction, leaving a cautious opportunity to call and ask for forgiveness.
Hostility to the victim’s environment
An emotional rapist will try to create a vacuum around the woman as soon as possible, where there will be no platform, colleagues, or even relatives.
After all, they can encourage already burned in reality that it is not so bad, fight against its complications, provide positive emotions … worse; they will help to get out of control, that’s what the abuser most feared.
Tight control
At first, an emotional rapist’s morbid desire to keep his finger on the pulse of his victim’s life as tightly as possible can seem like a sign of sincere love. Even if a woman thinks her lover is overdoing it out of caution, she does not know how to resist the abuser without offending him.
Made 16 calls in 2 hours? Oh, how he misses me! Got into SMS without asking? Jealous, it’s so cute! Do you have to give him passwords from mail and social media? Well, fine, if he’s quieter like that!
In the shortest possible time, however, the care goes beyond all reasonable limits and covers, like a suffocating blanket. Messages in instant messages, calls, and movements around the city are controlled … And soon, the victim finds out that he literally cannot take a step without being notified.
Attention! The admiration for constant control is the reference symbol of a psychological abuser; it is equally inherent in both men and women.
Accusations of treason
The abuser’s friend can shave his bald head, put on a burqa and lock himself in the kitchen, but he will still find something to blame:
- “Don’t you think I didn’t see you are looking at him?”;
- “Why do you have so many men on your social media? A good girl will not allow herself this! “
- “A new dress for a company party?! Who are you going to seduce there? “
The meaning is the same: to make the victim quiet and submissive, to avoid social contact. A woman who is afraid to smile at the seller or tip the waiter is not going anywhere under the guidance of the abuser.
Reinforcing guilt
Since the husband of the abuser a priori cannot be guilty of anything, the responsibility for all problems that arise in a couple’s life is automatically assigned to a friend. It doesn’t matter if it was scary, whether a strict boss shamed the abuser or the car’s tire was flat.
The victim will not hesitate to tell the victim that it was all her doing:
- “Look what you’ve led me to!”;
- “If you hadn’t kicked my head in the head, I would have turned in my report on time!”
- “You always pull me off the road!”
Since the abuser behaves very consistently and does not miss the opportunity to poke a friend in her “guilt” once again, with long enough psychological treatment, the victim begins to believe that all problems are caused by her and begins to fear opening her mouth back or step without the guidance of their master.
Appeal to conscience
If you think that only parents can shake their hands and cry: “We are all for you and you!..” then you are deeply mistaken. The bully does it just as well. Even better, plain and clear: he denies himself the well-being of his friend, regularly removes stars from the sky, and personally brings home gutted mammoths, and the fragile egoist does not appreciate this and willingly stomps his foot.
After listening to him, even the most offended woman will involuntarily feel ashamed and question whether she jumped to conclusions.
Attempts to delay at all costs.
If the victim gets the sight and tries to end the strange relationship, various measures are taken to force her to stay. An emotional abuser will undoubtedly report that without her, he will disappear, get drunk, and commit suicide. Only a cruel friend is to blame for this.
Very often, even after a divorce, the abuser does not give up trying to return the usual toy because so much time and effort into taming it!
Fear
Throwing things, banging the fist on the wall, and swinging even without direct physical impact are the most simple tools of psychological violence. Does your partner regularly indulge in such things? We can say that the violence test has been passed, and we need to collect items. Unless a violent temper does not distinguish you, the saucers flying around the apartment do not serve as a prelude to a crazy act of love.
Attention! But physical abuse in any of its manifestations is not just a sign of the abuser but a loud warning that requires you to leave your partner as soon as possible.
How to get rid of the abuser?
If you have carefully analyzed the situation and realized that you are in a toxic relationship, rejoice: you have taken the first step on the road to salvation. Now it is essential to move on and try to make a path again, as there is no point in living with an abuser in the hope of his magical transformation.
In truth, we notice: that it happens that the emotional abuser himself is not fully aware of his behavior, and you can get through him. If it works, great. Convince your partner to attend at least a few meetings with a psychologist, who will help reveal the reasons for his actions and outline a plan for a way out of the situation. However, it will only work if the person wants to know how to stop being an abuser and actively starts working on himself. It works, as evidenced by the confessions of an ex-abuser on the web! If the man brushes off your words and has no intention of changing, there are no options – you have to leave.
How to get rid of the abuser:
- Accept that you are innocent by simply realizing who the abuser is in the relationship. Even if you were Miss World with three honors, a diploma of the best hostess of the millennium, and a pleasing personality, he would have found something to feel, so you should not blame yourself for not being perfect enough for this relationship.
- Free yourself from responsibility for the man’s behavior. No circumstances force a person to criticize, humiliate, or even beat a partner.
- Try to distance yourself from the abuser as much as possible. Ideally, ending the relationship in one fell swoop is better than moving out without giving your partner a new address.
- Suppose you failed to break all contacts – for example. In that case, you study at the same educational institution or work together, think in advance about how to behave with the abuser when you meet. Surely he will try to get you back or plan provocations to make you feel like a failure again. Try to respond calmly, or better yet, with humor; these types are discouraged. But in any case, communication should be strictly dosed and protect yourself from pressure.
- Alas, in our reality, people who have lived together for a long time do not always have the opportunity to leave. If this is your case, try to focus on your interests: do everything to expand your social circle, get a hobby, and make life enjoyable. Don’t be afraid of healthy selfishness! Think about what you want precisely. Do not respond to actions and attempts to drag you into a fight; if you try to pressure them physically, do not hesitate to contact the police.
- Seek support. Relatives, friends, a psychologist, women’s crisis centers, and hotlines for victims of violence, including psychological abuse, can be powerful help. Search the Internet for information about such institutions in your city or district; their employees will not only tell you how to get rid of the abuser but also, if necessary, provide support for work.
- Love yourself, praise, and pamper yourself. After a meeting with the abuser, you need it.